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Portrait of Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner

(1953) Screenwriter United States

217 quotes in 1007 categories

A restaurant menu shows no prices, just horrified faces. The jokes point out silly things like schools that only count to twenty‑one and men who think they could play football even without arms. They also remind us that mastering basics, like a dancer’s first positions, comes before big leaps.

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Rita Rudner is a screenwriter from the United States, best known for Naked Beneath My Clothes: Tales of a Revealing Nature.

Quick Facts About Rita Rudner

Born: September 17, 1953
Nationality: United States
Profession: Screenwriter
Notable works: Naked Beneath My Clothes: Tales of a Revealing Nature

About Rita Rudner

She noticed a lack of female comedians in New York City, switched to stand‑up comedy, performed for over three decades, appeared in HBO specials and on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, becoming a notable comic of the 1980s comedy boom.

Quotes by Rita Rudner

Cats are a waste of fur.

Cat

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Never take candy from strangers.

Candy

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Beer is good food

Beer

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Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.

Human

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If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

Billionaire

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Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

Government

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All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

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If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.

Attention

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Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.

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Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

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Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

Marriage

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Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

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Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

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They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

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You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

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My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our…

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If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

Dinner

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I'm going to start water skiing someday...as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat.

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I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

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Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the…

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I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I…

Ballet

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I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's…

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The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer…

Acting

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Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's…

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Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a…

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I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians,…

Acting

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I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on…

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Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth…

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My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his…

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I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And…

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Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Classical

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I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me.

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All men would still really like to own a train set.

Fitness

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Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

Alcohol

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When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

Football

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I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

Comedy

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Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

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Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

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“I don't panic when I get lost. I just change where I want to go.”

Direction

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Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Funny

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Rita Rudner by topic

Men (70) Funny (55) Humor (49) Marriage (27) Parenting (20) People (16) Mother (14) Thinking (12) Love (12) Life (11) Husband (11) Food (10) Comedy (10)