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Humor Quotes by Rita Rudner

49 Humor quotes by Rita Rudner

All Humor quotes Rita Rudner’s page

Rita Rudner uses a mirror to tease how a man's self‑image predicts his care for others. She jokes that men love cars while women love clothes, and that herbal tea drinkers rarely become killers. Her humor also pokes fun at absurd health claims like burning calories from a 1962 peanut.

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If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

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All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

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Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

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Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

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All men would still really like to own a train set.

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Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

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When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

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I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

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Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

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If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

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Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want…

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Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He…

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There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

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Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look…

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Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will…

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No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

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Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the…

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Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's…

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I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians,…

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I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something…

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Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God,…

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When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man…

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If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job,…

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I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by…

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Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

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Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

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Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

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All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

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I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

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Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

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Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

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Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

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If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

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Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

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Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

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Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

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Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a…

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Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

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Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win?…

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The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

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More by Rita Rudner

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different…

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into…

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with…

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works;…

We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career…

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I…