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Funny Quotes by Rita Rudner

55 Funny quotes by Rita Rudner

All Funny quotes Rita Rudner’s page

Rita Rudner laughs that a man’s reflection in a mirror can reveal whether he ever cares for anyone else. She jokes that men tend to forget everything while women remember it all, so men need replay videos to keep up. She also teases dating, noting that a man who gets older, changes jobs, or sees a psychiatrist might surprise his partner.

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If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

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All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

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Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

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When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

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Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

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All men would still really like to own a train set.

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Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

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When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

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Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

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You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

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If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

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Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He…

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Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look…

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Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will…

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No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

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Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

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Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the…

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Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's…

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I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something…

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Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God,…

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When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man…

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If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job,…

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Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said,…

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If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when…

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I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

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Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

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Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

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Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

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Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

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All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

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I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

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Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

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Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

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Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

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In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

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Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

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If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

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I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

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To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

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Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

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More by Rita Rudner

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different…

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into…

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with…

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works;…

We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career…

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I…