My dog watches me on TV. So, if I may take this opportunity, "No! No! No!" — Garry Shandling Copy Share Image
Hate when you go to the kitchenand know exactly what you want to find out someone already freaking finished i — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Comedy is not supposed to be funny. Its supposed to tell the truth and then that's funny. — Paula Patton Copy Share Image
Sorry): I haven't been on but I admin/own a lot of sucessful pages (: SOO LIKE FOR QUOTES — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don't meow back.. Unbelievably rude.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright. — Laurell K. Hamilton Copy Share Image
Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!"… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
“So you're here by yourself?" “Yes." “Seems like an odd place to come by yourself." “I needed to get away." “Woman trouble?… — David Gilmour Copy Share Image
“I don’t know what kind of movie would put their locations scout up at a YMCA, but if I had to guess… — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
Pilot's pre-launch brief off the carrier to his passenger in a 2-place jet: If anything goes wrong off the cat, I'll say… — Myself Copy Share Image
On 'Bake Off' there's lots of stuff no one notices until afterwards. At the time you're too busy concentrating. All the other… — John Whaite Copy Share Image
With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I… — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
“Feeling unable to maintain this detachment of attitude towards human- and, in especial, matrimonial- affairs, I asked whether it was not true… — Anthony Powell Copy Share Image
Math teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand, and 6 in the other. What do I have? Student: A drinking problem. — Babloo Copy Share Image
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. — David Brenner Copy Share Image
The funny thing about bowl recipes is, despite how simple they might seem, they can actually be a lot of work. — Chris Morocco Copy Share Image
Whatever energy you put out there, that's the energy you're going to get back. — Elie Tahari Copy Share Image
Ask a SUCCESSFUL person HOW TO FINISH… But always, Ask an EXPERIENCED person HOW TO START — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Sylvester Stallone is very funny and he's a great guy to hang out with. — Eric Roberts Copy Share Image
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE! — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Our power comes not from suppressing others but from uplifting them. — Sakyong Mipham Copy Share Image
Seeing a guy after the summer and thinking DAMN PUBERTY DID SOME GOOD STUFF FOR HIM — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The place where I had freedom most was when I painted. I was completely and utterly myself. — Alice Neel Copy Share Image
Whatsapp would be a disaster if its ''last seen at'' is changed to ''last seen with — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I am not really funny . I am actually mean and people think that I am joking — MLY AB Copy Share Image
There is a strength of conviction that can only come from being 100% wrong. — Stephen Schneider Copy Share Image
Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor." — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
If a man falls down and gets up, it's funny. If he falls down and doesn't get up it's not funny. — Soupy Sales Copy Share Image
You can tell James Duthie to shove that quiz. I have a few other words I can tell you about the quiz. — John Tortorella Copy Share Image
Dear 12 year olds on Facebook, how are you in a complicated relationship?! Did they steal your cookies? — Christine Ramkran Copy Share Image
