W. C. Fields

I never met a kid I liked.

— W. C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

— W. C. Fields

I never drink water... fish f**k in it.

— W. C. Fields

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

— W. C. Fields

You can't cheat an honest man.

— W. C. Fields

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.

— W. C. Fields

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

— W. C. Fields

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

— W. C. Fields

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

— W. C. Fields

I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.

— W. C. Fields

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

— W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

— W. C. Fields

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

— W. C. Fields

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

— W. C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

— W. C. Fields

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

— W. C. Fields

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got…

— W. C. Fields

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze…

— W. C. Fields

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find…

— W. C. Fields

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides,…

— W. C. Fields

In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds…

— W. C. Fields

Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

— W. C. Fields

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

— W. C. Fields

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but…

— W. C. Fields

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the…

— W. C. Fields

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood…

— W. C. Fields

No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy…

— W. C. Fields

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not…

— W. C. Fields

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again…

— W. C. Fields

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but…

— W. C. Fields

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to…

— W. C. Fields

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some…

— W. C. Fields

We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is…

— W. C. Fields

Happiness means quiet nerves.

— W. C. Fields

I'm searching for loopholes.

— W. C. Fields

Never work with animals or children.

— W. C. Fields

I drink therefore I am.

— W. C. Fields

Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.

— W. C. Fields

I'm looking for loopholes.

— W. C. Fields

I like children - fried.

— W. C. Fields