Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all… — W. C. Fields Broadway Copy Share Image
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an… — W. C. Fields Brother Copy Share Image
To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people… — W. C. Fields Big cities Copy Share Image
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several… — W. C. Fields Afghanistan Copy Share Image
The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but… — W. C. Fields Best things Copy Share Image
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents) — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. — W. C. Fields Baby Copy Share Image
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness. — W. C. Fields Alcoholics Copy Share Image
I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs… — W. C. Fields Drinking Copy Share Image
No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog… — W. C. Fields Animal Copy Share Image
The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue.… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated… — W. C. Fields England Copy Share Image
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
