W. C. Fields

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

— W. C. Fields

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

— W. C. Fields

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

— W. C. Fields

Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.

— W. C. Fields

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

— W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

— W. C. Fields

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

— W. C. Fields

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

— W. C. Fields

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass…

— W. C. Fields

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than…

— W. C. Fields

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over…

— W. C. Fields

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

— W. C. Fields

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually…

— W. C. Fields

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst,…

— W. C. Fields

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy…

— W. C. Fields

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the…

— W. C. Fields

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

— W. C. Fields

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

— W. C. Fields

It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.

— W. C. Fields

Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.

— W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

— W. C. Fields

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

— W. C. Fields

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

— W. C. Fields

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

— W. C. Fields

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

— W. C. Fields

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

— W. C. Fields

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

— W. C. Fields

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

— W. C. Fields

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

— W. C. Fields

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

— W. C. Fields

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

— W. C. Fields

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

— W. C. Fields

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

— W. C. Fields

Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.

— W. C. Fields

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

— W. C. Fields

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

— W. C. Fields

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

— W. C. Fields

Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect…

— W. C. Fields

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

— W. C. Fields

I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get…

— W. C. Fields