W. C. Fields

“I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.”

— W. C. Fields

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

— W. C. Fields

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

— W. C. Fields

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

— W. C. Fields

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

— W. C. Fields

I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.

— W. C. Fields

A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

— W. C. Fields

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

— W. C. Fields

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides,…

— W. C. Fields

Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

— W. C. Fields

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

— W. C. Fields

In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds…

— W. C. Fields

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but…

— W. C. Fields

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

— W. C. Fields

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank…

— W. C. Fields

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside…

— W. C. Fields

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

— W. C. Fields

I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.

— W. C. Fields

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

— W. C. Fields

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

— W. C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

— W. C. Fields

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

— W. C. Fields

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

— W. C. Fields

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

— W. C. Fields

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

— W. C. Fields

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

— W. C. Fields

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

— W. C. Fields

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

— W. C. Fields

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

— W. C. Fields

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

— W. C. Fields

“What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?”

— W. C. Fields

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

— W. C. Fields

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

— W. C. Fields

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

— W. C. Fields

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

— W. C. Fields

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.

— W. C. Fields

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

— W. C. Fields

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

— W. C. Fields

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

— W. C. Fields

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.

— W. C. Fields