I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know. — W. C. Fields Alcohol drinking Copy Share Image
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places. — W. C. Fields Happiness Copy Share Image
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. — W. C. Fields Fear Copy Share Image
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained. — W. C. Fields Agnostic Copy Share Image
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man!… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle… — W. C. Fields Brother Copy Share Image
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. — W. C. Fields Drinking Copy Share Image
Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle. — W. C. Fields Business Copy Share Image
When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his . — W. C. Fields Comedian Copy Share Image
No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy… — W. C. Fields Comedy Copy Share Image
I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be… — W. C. Fields Advantage Copy Share Image
I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one… — W. C. Fields Body Copy Share Image
The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have… — W. C. Fields Comedy Copy Share Image
I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And… — W. C. Fields Believe in santa Copy Share Image
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. — W. C. Fields Alive Copy Share Image
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
