I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At times it is strangely sedative to know the extent of your own powerlessness. — Erica Jong Copy Share Image
Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude? — Robin Williams Copy Share Image
Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
My hair has never been my greatest feature, so that was funny enough unto itself that my hair became so focused on. — Jennifer Aniston Copy Share Image
“Angus is amusing himself by ambushing the postman. Och aye, they may have taken his trouser snake addendums, but they cannae tak… — Louise Rennison Copy Share Image
Save myself from death is that it?! Is that why I've come here?! I'm not afraid to die! At times I've welcomed… — American McGee Copy Share Image
I hate that feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The awkward moment when your cell phone going full volume at a funeral. Even more awkward if your ringtone is I will… — Faith Barroa Copy Share Image
“How long have you been standing there?" "Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger." "He deserved it.” — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
The main evolutionary significance of humor is that it gets us from the closed mode to the open mode quicker than anything… — John Cleese Copy Share Image
Religion is here to unite us. It's not here to divide us. If it's dividing us, it's not God's religion, it's something… — Hamza Yusuf Copy Share Image
Sorry in advance for my multitude of verbal gaffes about your pregnancy weight gain. — Smoochy01 Copy Share Image
When I tell a joke, I don't think about who's listening to it. I tell the jokes I think are funny. — Lee Mack Copy Share Image
“I want to paint you.' He gently lifted me into his arms. 'Nude would be best,' he said in my ear.” — Sarah J. Maas Copy Share Image
The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
And for a minute, maybe longer... everything that threatens us, threatens to save us. — James Galvin Copy Share Image
Let's go swimming better yet I'm gonna go skinny dippin you can go chunky dunkin. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
This Christmas I've decided to put a mistletoe in my back pocket…so all the people I dont like can kiss my ass. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
So you call it love, and its obviously lust? Who was your grammar teacher? — Collins Hasty Copy Share Image
God doesn’t work on sense; He works on grace. God called you, and God called me. He knew what He was doing. — Beth Moore Copy Share Image
Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Banker: One who lends you an umbrella on a fine day and demands it back when it rains. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When teaching your foreign girlfriend the english alphabet,its only fair you start by giving her the d — Chad Houston Copy Share Image
Parker's grand slam is the same as going 4 for 4, even though he went 1 for 4. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
I met the girl of my dreams last night, then Something Inside My Pants woke up — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“Bringing a pot plant to the office, I believe, is a sign of quite serious commitment.” — Danielle Wood Copy Share Image
