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Funny Quotes by Woody Allen

88 Funny quotes by Woody Allen

All Funny quotes Woody Allen’s page

Woody Allen jokes about the odd side of everyday life. He teases secret things about sex, absurd ideas about punishment, and funny college mishaps that leave readers scratching their heads. He also mixes weird thoughts on cosmetics and menopause, making the humor feel both clever and a little crazy.

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I hope you're getting this down.

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Showing up is 80 percent of life.

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I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

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I don't know enough to be incompetent.

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Death is an acquired trait.

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Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

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Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

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I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

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How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

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At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings.

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I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

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I took the speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

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Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

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I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

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Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.

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I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said…

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How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

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When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will…

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I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting…

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To me there's no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They're all…

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The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on…

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Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast…

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What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?

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Meanwhile, the minute you put on the dotted line your Sam Hancock - and before a notary - you'll not only get…

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Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it.…

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In every generation there are a few people who are authentically funny. The cosmetics change. You may not be able to articulate…

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Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people.…

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“I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and…

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... years of insanity have made this guy crazy!

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Your audience teaches you how to be funny.

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The best an idea gets is when its in your head.

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Chastity is curable, if detected early.

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I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.

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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

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Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

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I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

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I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

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I am an only child. I have one sister.

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There are worse things than death. Many of them playing at a theater near you.

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More by Woody Allen

“True, science has conquered many diseases, broken the genetic code, and even placed human beings on the moon, and yet when a man of…

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

In every generation there are a few people who are authentically funny. The cosmetics change. You may not be able to articulate it, and…

I think Frank Capra was a much craftier filmmaker, a wonderful filmmaker. He had enormous technique, and he knew how to manipulate the public…

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

Gauguin flew into a frenzy! He held my head under the X-ray machine for ten straight minutes and for several hours after I could…

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

I enjoy the making of the film and it's something for me to do. If nobody ever comes to my films, if people don't…

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone.

Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad.

All literature is a footnote to Faust. I have no idea what I mean by that.

There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn't all that important.

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully.