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Humor Quotes by Woody Allen

58 Humor quotes by Woody Allen

All Humor quotes Woody Allen’s page

Wit mixes with odd observations about everyday life. The quotes mention a few truly funny people, the need to keep some craziness for menopause, and jokes about sex mysteries and gravity. They also play with dark humor, like punishing crimes before they happen, and show a skeptical teen finding faith in a catalog.

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... years of insanity have made this guy crazy!

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Your audience teaches you how to be funny.

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My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

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I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

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Death is an acquired trait.

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Humorists always sit at the children's table.

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“How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans.”

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I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

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I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

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If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

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Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

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Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.

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“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.”

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How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

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I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

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Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh…

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As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay…

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More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to…

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Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the…

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The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on…

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Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast…

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I feel humor is important for those two reasons: that it is a little bit of refreshment like music, and that women…

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We knew the front door was always left open, but we broke in just to keep in practice. Doxy turned all the…

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Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it.…

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I think if you have a comic perspective, almost anything that happens you tend to put through a comic filter. It's a…

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In every generation there are a few people who are authentically funny. The cosmetics change. You may not be able to articulate…

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I'm a comedian. I make comic films and there are certain ideas that occur to me that are comic, with heavy, serious…

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“I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and…

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“These modern analysts! They charge so much. In my day, for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks, he…

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I feel that humor, just like Fred Astaire dance numbers or these lightweight musicals, gives you a little oasis. You are in…

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It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

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“Drama is like meat and three veg. Whereas comedy is like the merangue at the end.”

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I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

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If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

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“Eternal life is great if you have the clothes for it.”

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“Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.”

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“Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?”

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“If I got a paper cut, that’s a tragedy. If you fell down an open manhole and died, that's comedy.”

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What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

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If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

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More by Woody Allen

“True, science has conquered many diseases, broken the genetic code, and even placed human beings on the moon, and yet when a man of…

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

In every generation there are a few people who are authentically funny. The cosmetics change. You may not be able to articulate it, and…

I think Frank Capra was a much craftier filmmaker, a wonderful filmmaker. He had enormous technique, and he knew how to manipulate the public…

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

Gauguin flew into a frenzy! He held my head under the X-ray machine for ten straight minutes and for several hours after I could…

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

I enjoy the making of the film and it's something for me to do. If nobody ever comes to my films, if people don't…

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone.

Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad.

All literature is a footnote to Faust. I have no idea what I mean by that.

There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn't all that important.

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully.