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Witty Quotes by Woody Allen

49 Witty quotes by Woody Allen

All Witty quotes Woody Allen’s page

Woody Allen delivers wit through odd confessions and sharp one‑liners. He jokes about being a non‑drinker, cheating on a metaphysics exam, and even dating the Statue of Liberty, while also noting a fear of darkness and a love of steak. The humor is self‑deprecating and surprisingly vivid.

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God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

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My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

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I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

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The heart wants what it wants.

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The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

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Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

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I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

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I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

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I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

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The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

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We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our…

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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next…

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A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

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There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late…

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Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love…

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I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

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I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the…

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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live…

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he's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn…

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I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an…

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You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists…

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This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why…

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I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't…

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I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in…

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What if the worst is true? What if there's no God, and you only go around once, and that's it? Don't you…

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I feel that humor, just like Fred Astaire dance numbers or these lightweight musicals, gives you a little oasis. You are in…

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If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

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The wicked at heart probably know something.

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Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

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I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

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My brain? It's my second favorite organ!

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Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

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The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

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My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

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I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

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All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

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Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

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Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

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I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

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I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.

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More by Woody Allen

“True, science has conquered many diseases, broken the genetic code, and even placed human beings on the moon, and yet when a man of…

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

In every generation there are a few people who are authentically funny. The cosmetics change. You may not be able to articulate it, and…

I think Frank Capra was a much craftier filmmaker, a wonderful filmmaker. He had enormous technique, and he knew how to manipulate the public…

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

Gauguin flew into a frenzy! He held my head under the X-ray machine for ten straight minutes and for several hours after I could…

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

I enjoy the making of the film and it's something for me to do. If nobody ever comes to my films, if people don't…

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone.

Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad.

All literature is a footnote to Faust. I have no idea what I mean by that.

There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn't all that important.

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully.