Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket? — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
To me there's no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They're all… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
There are worse things than death. Many of them playing at a theater near you. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points? — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.” — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Manute Bol is so skinny they save money on road trips. They just fax him from city to city. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“True, science has conquered many diseases, broken the genetic code, and even placed human beings on the moon, and yet when a man of… — Woody Allen Copy Share
In every generation there are a few people who are authentically funny. The cosmetics change. You may not be able to articulate it, and… — Woody Allen Copy Share
I think Frank Capra was a much craftier filmmaker, a wonderful filmmaker. He had enormous technique, and he knew how to manipulate the public… — Woody Allen Copy Share
Gauguin flew into a frenzy! He held my head under the X-ray machine for ten straight minutes and for several hours after I could… — Woody Allen Copy Share
I enjoy the making of the film and it's something for me to do. If nobody ever comes to my films, if people don't… — Woody Allen Copy Share
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. — Woody Allen Copy Share
A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone. — Woody Allen Copy Share
There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn't all that important. — Woody Allen Copy Share
