Funny Quotes by Steven Wright

I can't stop thinking like this.

— Steven Wright

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

— Steven Wright

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

— Steven Wright

I was an only child, eventually.

— Steven Wright

It's a fine night to have an evening.

— Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice.

— Steven Wright

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

— Steven Wright

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

— Steven Wright

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

— Steven Wright

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

— Steven Wright

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

— Steven Wright

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

— Steven Wright

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

— Steven Wright

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

— Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

— Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

— Steven Wright

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

— Steven Wright

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

— Steven Wright

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

— Steven Wright

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

— Steven Wright

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

— Steven Wright

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what…

— Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back…

— Steven Wright

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

— Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just…

— Steven Wright

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to…

— Steven Wright

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped…

— Steven Wright

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I…

— Steven Wright

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I…

— Steven Wright

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He…

— Steven Wright

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it,…

— Steven Wright

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the…

— Steven Wright

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I…

— Steven Wright

A fool and his money are soon partying.

— Steven Wright

I had my coat hangers spayed.

— Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

— Steven Wright

I lost a button hole.

— Steven Wright

I washed mud off of mud.

— Steven Wright

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

— Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

— Steven Wright