Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote". — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think… — Steven Wright Copy Share
