My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends." — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small! — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think… — Steven Wright Copy Share
