The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.' — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think… — Steven Wright Copy Share
