Skip to content

Funny Quotes by Mark Twain

111 Funny quotes by Mark Twain

All Funny quotes Mark Twain’s page

Mark Twain pokes fun at the idea that training can solve everything and that truth is a precious but sparingly used thing. He jokes about hating classical music, waiting for the perfect moment, and even the absurd claim that his own death was exaggerated. His humor also twists ideas about heaven, merit, and love’s strange senses.

Rate this collection: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet

The Creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo.

Image

But it warn't no time to be sentimentering.

Image

None but the dead are permitted to tell the truth.

Image

Don't wait the time is never just right.

Image

Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs.

Image

If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.

Image

Never do wrong when people are looking.

Image

The funniest things are the forbidden.

Image

A man with a hump-backed uncle mustn't make fun of another man's cross-eyed aunt

Image

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

Image

I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.

Image

Where prejudice exists it always discolors our thoughts.

Image

The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for.

Image

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Image

Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again.

Image

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Image

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.…

Image

Time and tide wait for no man. A pompous and self-satisfied proverb, and was true for a billion years; but in our…

Image

Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could…

Image

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between…

Image

The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong. He can swear and still be a gentleman if he does it…

Image

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between…

Image

All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.

Image

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

Image

I have never heard enough classical music to be able to enjoy it; & the simple truth is, I detest it. Not…

Image

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you…

Image

“In the afternoon the ship's company assembled aft, on deck, under the awnings; the flute, the asthmatic meodeon, and the consumptive clarinet…

Image

Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would…

Image

Heroine: Girl in a book who is saved from drowning by a hero and marries him next week, but if it was…

Image

I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been…

Image

One frequently only finds out how really beautiful a really beautiful woman is after considerable acquaintance with her; and the rule applies…

Image

The humorist who invented trial by jury played a colossal practical joke upon the world, but since we have the system we…

Image

What a man misses mostly in heaven is company.

Image

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Image

The ancients stole all our ideas from us.

Image

History doesn't repeat itself; it rhymes.

Image

If you have nothing to say, say nothing.

Image

Dance like nobody's looking.

Image

Let your joy be unconfined!

Image

If I had more time, I would have written less.

Image

Other authors on Funny

More by Mark Twain

Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.

If you had made the acquiring of ignorance the study of your life, you could not have graduated with higher honor than you could…

“The Creator sat upon the throne, thinking. Behind him stretched the illimitable continent of heaven, steeped in a glory of light and color; before…

It's easy to quit smoking. I've done it hundreds of times.

“It is never wrong to do the right thing.”

A man accustomed to American food and American domestic cookery would not starve to death suddenly in Europe, but I think he would gradually…

There is nothing training can't cannot do. Nothing is above its reach.

I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get…

The higher animals get their teeth without pain or inconvenience. Man gets his through months and months of cruel torture; he will never get…

“As far as I can see, Italy, for fifteen hundred years, has turned all her energies, all her finances, and all her industry to…

Begin with the determination to succeed and the work is half done already.

Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either…

If we could imagine such a man, that is a man who could invent the fly and send him out on his mission and…

You perceive, now, that these things are all impossible except in a dream. You perceive that they are pure and puerile insanities, the silly…

Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.