I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people, but if we tried to shut up the insane we… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
The average American may not know who his grandfather was. But the American was, however, one degree better off than the average… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Between us, we cover all knowledge; he knows all that can be known and I know the rest. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
If all the fools in this world should die, lordly God how lonely I should be. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
You are a coward when you even seem to have backed down from a thing you openly set out to do — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
It's not the parts of the Bible I don't know that worries me...it's the parts that I do. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Priapism is what happens when someone gets strangulated to the point of hypoxia. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth. — Mark Twain Copy Share
If you had made the acquiring of ignorance the study of your life, you could not have graduated with higher honor than you could… — Mark Twain Copy Share
“The Creator sat upon the throne, thinking. Behind him stretched the illimitable continent of heaven, steeped in a glory of light and color; before… — Mark Twain Copy Share
A man accustomed to American food and American domestic cookery would not starve to death suddenly in Europe, but I think he would gradually… — Mark Twain Copy Share
I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get… — Mark Twain Copy Share
The higher animals get their teeth without pain or inconvenience. Man gets his through months and months of cruel torture; he will never get… — Mark Twain Copy Share
“As far as I can see, Italy, for fifteen hundred years, has turned all her energies, all her finances, and all her industry to… — Mark Twain Copy Share
Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either… — Mark Twain Copy Share
If we could imagine such a man, that is a man who could invent the fly and send him out on his mission and… — Mark Twain Copy Share
You perceive, now, that these things are all impossible except in a dream. You perceive that they are pure and puerile insanities, the silly… — Mark Twain Copy Share
Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. — Mark Twain Copy Share
