I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
Those memories that you randomly remember and suddenly can't stop smiling. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Remember kids, if someone gives you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive. — Risa Schizophrenia Copy Share Image
I used to go in for Disney auditions, and they'd tell me, 'You're cute and nice but just not funny.' — Gattlin Griffith Copy Share Image
You know nothing for sure...except the fact that you know nothing for sure. — John F. Kennedy Copy Share Image
Inflation hasn't ruined everything. A dime can still be used as a screwdriver. — H. Jackson Brown, Jr Copy Share Image
They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I'm going to make a facebook account called No one. Then I'll like random people's status, then it will say No one… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Google earth view gives you the amazing chance to see amazing places all over the world, from the comfort of your own… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“If a problem can be solved, there is nothing to worry about. If it can't be solved, well you can always buy… — Pablo Copy Share Image
It’s necessary but not sufficient to learn and then work. You must learn from the work and learn while you work. — Judith Rodin Copy Share Image
“You are hereby warned that any movement on your part not explicitly endorsed by verbal authorization on my part may pose a… — Neal Stephenson Copy Share Image
I'm a stoic. When something goes down the pan, enjoy it. Make the best out of a bad job. I'm not the… — Vic Reeves Copy Share Image
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
The question is not what we intended ourselves to be, but what He intended us to be when He made us. — C. S. Lewis Copy Share Image
I sleep like a baby every night. I wake up every three or four hours and cry. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We are best friends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up, after I finish laughing. — Cherrymae Esdrelon Copy Share Image
Nature has neither core nor skin: she’s both at once outside and in. — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Copy Share Image
Once anyone who has a sense of humor can do what they want, they want to do funny bits as much as… — Gavin McInnes Copy Share Image
When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
One girl is a girl, two girls are half a girl, and three girls are no girl at all. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
I just faced the ultimate rejection. I was masturbating and my hand fell asleep. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I accused my friend of being gay yesterday... He was so angry he hit me with his purse! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Love is not what takes you by surprise and leaves you totally breathless! It's called asthma! -NeSha — Nesha Copy Share Image
Gene Richards swings, the ball bounces foul and hits him in the head. No harm done. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
All artists are constantly looking for something and they don't always know what. — Jacob Lawrence Copy Share Image
“I’m waiting with baited breath to hear that silver tongue of yours.” — Jodie B. Cooper Copy Share Image
It was not my class of people. There was not a producer, a press agent, a director, an actor. — Zsa Zsa Gabor Copy Share Image
Romeo and Juliet killed themselves for their love, so I think you can at least answer my text message. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Life is like a Ferrari, it goes too fast. But that's ok, because you can't afford it anyway!.. — Jim Davis Copy Share Image
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
