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Funny Quotes by Jack Handey
- I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
- It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you…
- If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying'. And if he asks why…
- If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to…
- If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How…
- I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are…
- Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group…
- When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a…
- To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time…
- Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring…
- I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant…
- If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
- Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if…
- If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
- If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and let your hostages laugh too, because come on…
- Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going…
- Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight? Also what's…
- It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny…
- I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try…
- Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
- Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have…
- A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go…
- Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth…
- It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were…
- It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
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More Funny Quotes
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. — Aristotle
- I hope to make movies that are so small they don't need to make anything to be profitable. — J. J. Abrams
- I love recording music. — J. J. Abrams
- Hope is the dream of a waking man. — Aristotle
- Education is the best provision for old age. — Aristotle
- I've had the same friends since I was in kindergarten. — J. J. Abrams
- I also have this incredible love for women. — Kevyn Aucoin