Stephen Colbert

Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know…

— Stephen Colbert

I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and…

— Stephen Colbert

You seem cynical because you're always talking about that selfish behavior that's dressed up as altruism. It doesn't mean there isn't altruism.…

— Stephen Colbert

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

— Stephen Colbert

Speak from the balls, not from the diaphram.

— Stephen Colbert

“If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.”

— Stephen Colbert

I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.

— Stephen Colbert

Usually when Donald Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor's note saying he has a…

— Stephen Colbert

Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army…

— Stephen Colbert

Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.

— Stephen Colbert

It's clear that when we're this outnumbered by the creatures, we have to take a page from the British Empire and rule…

— Stephen Colbert

“Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to…

— Stephen Colbert

You should spend more time with your families; write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the…

— Stephen Colbert

Cameras are dangerous. With no waiting period or background check, any whack-job could just stroll into a Wal-Mart and walk out with…

— Stephen Colbert

Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and, before you know it, Jager…

— Stephen Colbert

(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.

— Stephen Colbert

Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school…

— Stephen Colbert

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

— Stephen Colbert

Last night was Super Tuesday - a 10-state GOP Primary orgy. A big, sweaty pile of lever-yankin Republican voters. And like most…

— Stephen Colbert

If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him…

— Stephen Colbert

Nothing is more vintage than dying of Rubella.

— Stephen Colbert

You can't swallow and think about your tongue. If you think about your tongue, you've got a giant piece of meat in…

— Stephen Colbert

First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society…

— Stephen Colbert

Leaving religious texts open too interpretation is the downfall of religion itself. If it is truly the word of God then there…

— Stephen Colbert

“Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing,…

— Stephen Colbert