Stephen Colbert

If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.

— Stephen Colbert

it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.

— Stephen Colbert

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

— Stephen Colbert

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to…

— Stephen Colbert

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was…

— Stephen Colbert

I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful…

— Stephen Colbert

I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.

— Stephen Colbert

Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York…

— Stephen Colbert

I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And…

— Stephen Colbert

It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, "I command you to do this."…

— Stephen Colbert

I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.

— Stephen Colbert

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.

— Stephen Colbert

“The [Motion Picture Production Code] took effect on March 31, 1930, 5 months too late to prevent the Wall Street Crash, but…

— Stephen Colbert

“Baptists: I'm a pious guy, but even I have my limits. I draw the line right around spending 8 hours in church…

— Stephen Colbert

I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!

— Stephen Colbert

“You can't spell "parentry" without "try." Of course, you'll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make…

— Stephen Colbert

It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.

— Stephen Colbert

Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried.…

— Stephen Colbert

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

— Stephen Colbert

Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.

— Stephen Colbert

You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.

— Stephen Colbert

Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle…

— Stephen Colbert

Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.

— Stephen Colbert

You may learn sooner than most generations the hard lesson that you must always make the path for yourself...There is no secret…

— Stephen Colbert

Football is American; why are the Romans numering our bowls?!

— Stephen Colbert