Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Sex criminals. Completely incurable... I suppose you could outlaw religion and these sex crimes would disappear in a generation or two, but… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
