“Queen always seemed to me to be manufactured championship music—designed to be played in stadiums to get fans hyped up about paying… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In a depression, I’d imagine rich people try to dress like they’re poor, and poor people try to dress like they’re rich.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As an extreme method of saving, I’d kidnap myself, if I thought I’d actually pay the ransom money before I committed suicide.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would have made you a cheesecake, but I don’t know how. And I would have bought you a cheesecake, but I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need money. I suppose I could sell my penis for profit. Or better yet, rent it out so it gets returned… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Compact trash into a cube. Then slice it into thin layers and BOOM—you’ve got pieces of modern art. Each sliver belongs in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I worked at a Laundromat, I’d steal money, and if I worked at a bank, I’d steal clothes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Make your money make money: Buy a printing press and some blank currency paper.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish I could sculpt my shadow into my night clone, and it could be out earning me money while I slept,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Can you break my five-dollar bill into five singles? Women love guys with lots of money.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With sex, I’d recommend practicing a lot. But remember, have fun with it. After all, you do want to get your money’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not hush money. It’s simply dollars backed not by faith, but by shhh.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If financial genius were legs, my girlfriend would own fourteen pairs of Jimmy Choos, and not have a single foot to put… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to show you how to live a richer, fuller, more satisfying life. Don’t you want to have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I heard everything you said, listened to half, and agreed with a quarter. And 12.5% isn’t bad—if you’re collecting that in interest… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were king, I wouldn’t pay you the money I owe you. I’d give you a far more valuable gift: the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw an old guy sleeping, and I thought he was dead. But I kept checking his pockets for money, because it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d like to spend money on a wallet, but if I spent money on a wallet, I’d have none left over to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
