Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says 'you like baseball?' I said, 'Oh, man, I love baseball.'… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say 'My Bad!' — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I thought 'RV' stood for 'Recreational Vehicle.' No! It stands for 'Ruins Vacations.' — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them,… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I go 'what is it?' And she goes 'we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!' Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
