You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it,… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says 'you like baseball?' I said, 'Oh, man, I love baseball.'… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
And isn't that weird? Think about this, when you're born, you nurse on your mama. And then you get a little older,… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I go 'what is it?' And she goes 'we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!' Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
