That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat?… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
And isn't that weird? Think about this, when you're born, you nurse on your mama. And then you get a little older,… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I go 'what is it?' And she goes 'we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!' Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
