I really like 'Passion of the Christ.' I like that movie. I also like 'We Were Soldiers,' and 'Braveheart.' And 'Napoleon Dynamite'… — Luke Benward Copy Share Image
The only high-tech, battery-powered superhero I'm interested in this weekend is the one in my nightstand. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
In the '80s, it was difficult and frustrating to appear in the theater and TV again, even though I had some successful… — David Cassidy Copy Share Image
Only in the irrational and unknown direction can we come to wisdom again — Jack Parsons Copy Share Image
Only my pillow knows my true darkest secrets and if says a word. I'll knock the stuffing's out of it... — Stanley Victor Paskavich Copy Share Image
Did you know if you say Fuck Me 3 times in the window at 1 am your wife will tell you to… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, 5% Friday! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You remind me of the black guy on The Office, because you're the black guy in our office. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. — Fran Lebowitz Copy Share Image
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me! — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
Hahahaha...you so funny...but not as funny as your face... My photography teacher in 8th said this. lol — Me Copy Share Image
I have enough money to Live comfortably for the rest of my life...........If I die next Tuesday. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
If vodka was water and I was a duck, I'd swim to the bottom and never come up. But vodka's not water… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I've always been funny, but I never considered it as a particular career path until my early 30s, when I realized that… — Amanda Seales Copy Share Image
Twitter is an amazing thing, because people follow each other and they can make friends. — Courtney Love Copy Share Image
As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house. — George Lopez Copy Share Image
At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo. It's clearly marked 80...uh, 69. — Eugene Ormandy Copy Share Image
“Peas baffled me. I could not understand why grown-ups would take things that tasted so good when they were freshly-picked and raw,… — Neil Gaiman Copy Share Image
The funny thing is, we teach - as a culture, we teach people that it's OK to talk about your fitness goals...… — Karamo Brown Copy Share Image
People are apprehensive about finding 'The Leftovers' funny because it's such a dark circumstance, but I think, really, what the show is… — Emily Meade Copy Share Image
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions. — Melchor Lim Copy Share Image
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed—and it worried him.” — Sol Luckman Copy Share Image
I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Getting food stuck in your teeth: 2% Get it out with a toothpick. 8% Use your finger to remove it.90% Using your… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Working for Mab now, are you, Wolfman?" he smirked. "Like a good little attack dog? Will you also roll over and beg… — Julie Kagawa Copy Share Image
I swear females wear they scrub fit everywhere they go...lol...u can leave a funeral N c a female walking out crying wit… — IG:catone_2_funny Copy Share Image
I am always acting, be at a party, at work or in office. My attitude changes from meeting to meeting, from being… — Karan Johar Copy Share Image
