Rob Delaney

“Children give terrible gifts because they are poor.”

— Rob Delaney

I can say that I'm a feminist and I try to be progressive and all that stuff. But I when I'm tired…

— Rob Delaney

People who concern themselves with the rights of other adults who engage in consensual acts involving sex, love, and/or eating croissants together…

— Rob Delaney

“If you ask someone out and they say no, try it again in a few minutes wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigarette.”

— Rob Delaney

If you have an opinion on what other adults do consensually with other adults when they take their pants off, you're a…

— Rob Delaney

Running is special. We've all done it: well, poorly, focused, in fear, being pursued, toward a goal. It's just elemental. Running is…

— Rob Delaney

“Willful ignorance or resistance to alleged facts has been a big ingredient in any success I’ve had.”

— Rob Delaney

“Cheesecake. Are you shitting me? Who invented that? Probably Jesus of Nazareth. Or maybe Louis Pasteur. It makes me physically sick to…

— Rob Delaney

I think your ambition for something changes as you go.

— Rob Delaney

But I also know in standup, there's nowhere to hide. You get on stage and you deliver, or you are eviscerated and…

— Rob Delaney

I want people to feel good about themselves.

— Rob Delaney

“I like to imagine that those dead, unloved nut jobs became friends under the earth and have their little crazy community where…

— Rob Delaney

With Twitter, you just want to make people laugh in their meeting; on stage, people have paid for their tickets with their…

— Rob Delaney

I use Twitter as a tool to get involved with people, to sell tickets to gigs where I can stand in a…

— Rob Delaney

We can and should complain about certain horrors of the modern world, but when it comes to the treatment of mental illness,…

— Rob Delaney

I'm crazy about Shakespeare, who was a notorious word inventor. And my wife is an English teacher, and she's hilarious.

— Rob Delaney

It makes me sad that corporations and media and Hollywood conspire to make people feel terrible about their bodies from the second…

— Rob Delaney

It's hard for me to get embarrassed, but the things that do embarrass me would be if anybody ever heard my wife…

— Rob Delaney

“I looked out over a sleepy, twinkling Manhattan as I plummeted into the night. It was wonderful and visceral, like my mind…

— Rob Delaney

“Make it easier for your citizens to be healthy and smart and they will save you in ways you have yet to…

— Rob Delaney

I was an extroverted kid and performed, like, acting and singing. Then, the older I got, I realized I enjoyed performing things…

— Rob Delaney

“I became a diligent condom carrier and when most subsequent lovers had the good fortune to lie under my grunting, sweaty mass,…

— Rob Delaney

It's probably not love if you don't press your face to the toilet seat after they've used it to feel their warmth.

— Rob Delaney

I hate wearing suits and ties.

— Rob Delaney

People moved in across the street and are immediately cutting down a huge tree. Their toothbrushes will know my buttonhole.

— Rob Delaney