Funny Quotes · Page 961

I've read that women love to have whipped cream licked off their breasts, but since my girlfriend has silicone implants, I use…

— Green Monk

It's true: What one person might consider 'hate speech,' another might consider to be harmless, or even funny.

— Kat Timpf

Marriage is memory, marriage is time.

— Joan Didion

When we are abandoned to God, He works through us all the time.

— Oswald Chambers

Mean people suck, come over here and show me how mean you can be.

— Anonymous

Keep a thing happenin' all throughout.

— John Coltrane

The tactician knows what to do when there is something to do; whereas the strategian knows what to do when there is…

— Gerald Abrahams

Failure is not the opposite of success; it's part of success.

— Arianna Huffington

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a…

— Nikhil Saluja

“Normally I’d run off in the other direction when faced with a man wearing what were essentially pyjamas to work, but this…

— Josephine Myles

Photography was the only thing that mattered in my life and I gave it everything.

— Anton Corbijn

Being a nerd is not about what you love, it's about how you love it.

— Wil Wheaton

We cannot be studied or cured apart from the planet...

— James Hillman

“At this, Gansey rolled over onto his back and folded his hands on his chest. He wore a salmon polo shirt, which,…

— Maggie Stiefvater

Why look worse when you can look better?

— Elizabeth Hurley

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

— Zach Galifianakis

God is God and I am not. I can only see a part of the picture He's painting...

— Steven Curtis Chapman

A mans religion will rise no higher than his concept of God.

— Adrian Rogers

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is…

— Mitch Hedberg

A genius sometimes can not answer a simple question asked by a stupid person.

— Anonymous

We are getting more and more imports from abroad.

— George W. Bush

MADE MY NIGHT :p FUNNY AF

— SHEYA

Fox-terriers are born with about four times as much original sin in them as other dogs.

— Jerome K. Jerome

Whatever you are, make sure your a good one.

— Live_Skate_Smoke

Everything in life is writable...

— Sylvia Plath

“Winnie, don't you ever think you're selling yourself short?" "Nope. Never. I'm really good at picking quality dick.”

— Elizabeth Brown

You can't make a mistake when you improvise.

— Patti Smith

Apparently kicking my friend in the chest & yelling THIS IS SPARTA! is not an appropriate response to what do you feel…

— Green Monk

Cheech and I used to call ourselves musicians; we never called ourselves comedians. We were musicians that were funny.

— Tommy Chong

I'd beat you up, but that might be considered animal abuse

— Amit Verma

When you'rethe only one to do something, it always gets done.

— Robert Newton

I'd very much like to be Ava Gardner. She IS sex.

— Barbara Parkins

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.

— Caroline Rhea

OMFG LMAO hahaha I said that to someone and they walked away like WTF and I just laughed so hard I cried!

— Celeste Hartman

. . . Intelligence is not the same thing as wisdom.

— Laozi

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder…

— Russell Howard

What amazes me with 'Will & Grace' fans is how young they are and how straight they are. The guys always come…

— Leslie Jordan

Remember Hey Arnold? Rugrats? CatDog? Rocket Power? Kenan & Kel? The Amanda Show?... When Nickelodeon made sense.

— Anonymous

I have found that people who really want to work at 'Saturday Night Live' and pursue it get pretty close. You have…

— John Mulaney

“I want to have fun," I said. "I'm tired of not having fun. Think about it: For five days all we'll have…

— Scott Haas