“Unless you're under 12 or into role playing, you shouldn't be wearing Mickey Mouse ears #AHOLE” — Andy Ostrom Copy Share Image
Instead of calling in sick today, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Why is everyone congratulating me on my sister-in-law being pregnant? I had nothing to do with it! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A woman can humiliate any man by simply saying . . Hold my purse. in Day & Is It In ? At Night — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Haters are just confused admirers because they can't figure out the reason why everyone loves you. — Jeffree Star Copy Share Image
Alcohol, firearms and a 4 wheel drive can go a long ways towards making a rain day into a fun rest day. — Frank Stock Copy Share Image
Sending a risky text & thinkingoh god, they hate me, if they don't respond within 30 seconds. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
21 is the age of responsibility. Give it a few months and you will be wondering why you were in such a… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
30 Rock' is superbly funny - it's unashamedly odd, loud and cartoony. There are physical jokes, clever jokes, dumb jokes, character jokes… — Lou Sanders Copy Share Image
I've told so many stories to so many friends of mine. I have friends in Pittsburgh, in West Virginia, and in Indy.… — Pat McAfee Copy Share Image
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the… — Christian Finnegan Copy Share Image
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
