Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife.… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
If a guy's ever telling you a four-hour sex story with a straight face, just feel sorry for him. Not for lying… — Ray Romano Copy Share Image
“You must be a blast on long car rides.” “Oh, I am. You haven't experienced fun until you try to fuck in… — Nenia Campbell Copy Share Image
“Though everyone in the bar knew who he was, no one asked him about the death, though one old man did rustle… — Donna Leon Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you look on Facebook and see your friend's comment on your status gets more likes than your status… — David Rice Copy Share Image
Funny but true: boy did mistake girl shouted boy said sorry, girl did mistake boy shouted girl started crying boy said sorry. — Asli Copy Share Image
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“Me mum always told me the rich was blessed, but I thought she was talkin' about gold." She leaned over to cackle… — Teresa Medeiros Copy Share Image
“You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finaly weed out al the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
Although I have guitars all around and I pick themm up occasionally and write a tune and make a record, I don't… — George Harrison Copy Share Image
“I wil not calm down. My baby girl is moving halfway across the country.” “She’s been moved away before,” Dad pointed out.… — Kristen Ashley Copy Share Image
I'm not so funny. Gilda was funny. I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while.… — Gene Wilder Copy Share Image
When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
Sexual intercourse is a grossly overrated pastime; the position is undignified, the pleasure momentary and the consequences damnable. — Lord Chesterfield Copy Share Image
“Nix had told Emma before she'd left for Europe that on this trip she would 'do that which you were born to… — Kresley Cole Copy Share Image
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the… — Jeff Stilson Copy Share Image
“I doubt she'll welcome you if I tell her you undressed me." "Maybe she'll only partially welcome me." Smart-ass.” — Kresley Cole Copy Share Image
“I wondered if full-blooded vampires had something like blue balls for their fangs if they didn’t get to feed when they were… — Sierra Dean Copy Share Image
I only have three scenes and each is a turn and she gets progressively drunker. It's all terribly funny and its main… — Louise Jameson Copy Share Image
Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player. — Marsha Warfield Copy Share Image
Your friendship means so much to me that... When you cry, I cry. When you laugh, I laugh. When you jump out… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Getting food stuck in your teeth: 2% Get it out with a toothpick. 8% Use your finger to remove it.90% Using your… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“If you have money but not love you will somehow manage, but if you don't have both then you are in serious… — Amit Kalantri Copy Share Image
“When you’re given the gift of truth, you spend a lot of time trying to tone it down because it is already… — Shannon L. Alder Copy Share Image
8 year old kids today have Facebook, MacBook pro, iPhone, iPad. When I was their age, I had a coloring book, crayons,… — Rashida Rowe Copy Share Image
I know that in my own personal life, the people who I have dated who are funny can get away with a… — Gaby Hoffmann Copy Share Image
We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that! — Robin Williams Copy Share Image
In a way, I feel sorry for the children of our generation. They'll have parents who know how to check browsing history. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Was she pregnant then?' asked Assad. Judging by the number of family members in his photos, it was a feminine condition with… — Jussi Adler-Olsen Copy Share Image
I love Charles Barkley, he's a good friend of mine and he's a funny guy. He knows nothing about college basketball. Less… — Jim Boeheim Copy Share Image
It's never a matter ever, ever - are - we're never trying to gross anybody out, or ever are we trying to… — Jay Chandrasekhar Copy Share Image
“Ronan's bedroom door burst open. Hanging on the door frame, Ronan leaned out to peer past Gansey. He was doing that thing… — Maggie Stiefvater Copy Share Image
“Bak stood a moment, as though considering whether the sum total of their shared working life was ending in a minus or… — Jussi Adler-Olsen Copy Share Image
I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm… — David Cross Copy Share Image
The difference between farce and humour in literature is, I suppose, that farce strums louder and louder on one string, while humour… — V. S. Pritchett Copy Share Image
A friend of mine from college is married to Neil Levy, who started on 'Saturday Night Live' in the early days and… — Richard LaGravenese Copy Share Image
“You need a job and I need a PA, why don’t you come and work for me?” “No thanks, God knows what… — L.H. Cosway Copy Share Image
“We just...weren't supposed to hurt people", I say. "I like to think I'm helping them by hating them", she says. "I'm reminding… — Veronica Roth Copy Share Image
The physical mechanics of sex are pretty funny unless you are engaged in them. Then they are, of course, marvelous. — Charlton Heston Copy Share Image
I don't need beer to have a good time, I just need it to focus, avoid depression, good tweets, fall asleep, and… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
