The fact that Manti Te'o thought for a long time that he was dating, like, a fake girl and then that she… — Dave Portnoy Copy Share Image
You should definitely have a travel agent. Why go through all the hassle of dealing with airlines, hotels, and rental-car agencies yourself,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Is that what you were doing in my room?” he asks after a moment. I sigh. Why am I telling him any… — Rachel Morgan Copy Share Image
My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I watched 'The Neighbors' when it first came on, and I thought it was hysterical. And every time I think something just… — Rhea Perlman Copy Share Image
You will miss a normal life while living a successful life, but not as much as the craving for a successful life… — Amit Kalantri Copy Share Image
It's so funny because my mom is Thai and my dad is this big American guy - and our food tastes were… — Chrissy Teigen Copy Share Image
I don't get a chance to be funny with the thrillers. I like to be funny, and I think I am really… — James Patterson Copy Share Image
“After all, this was the place where I’d had my first meaningful conversation with a female, it was the site of a… — Weston Locher Copy Share Image
“I hate being unwell,' he says. 'You're not sick,' Jude tells him. 'You are recovering from being stabbed- or rather, throwing yourself… — Holly Black Copy Share Image
“You don't want him," she said to the pink-haired girl. "He has syphilis." The girls stared. "Syphilis?" "Five percent of people in… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
One big favor.? can use all PLEASE PLEASE like this page. there super amazing. & sadly they got hacked on there other… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Gideon could not imagine any other young unmarried woman of his acquaintance passing up the opportunity to snare, if not himself, then… — Anne Gracie Copy Share Image
“Best friends one, and now we have almost nothing to say to each other. It was interesting, how he had joined those… — Markus Zusak Copy Share Image
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
It's funny because as a rapper, there is - and this is something that Clipping challenges all the time - there is… — Daveed Diggs Copy Share Image
When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“I should mention, by the way, that LVR stands for Luminal Velocity Regulator. I suppose it could also stand for Large Venezeulan… — Cuthbert Soup Copy Share Image
“We made it back to the airport without getting mugged, stoned, shot at, pounced on, bombed, shelled, garroted, gassed, pitched into, caught… — Daniel Quinn Copy Share Image
I feel like in our society there is definitely still a lot of underlying sexism. It's funny how many guys are surprised… — Nina Nesbitt Copy Share Image
Woman say:I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. Woman means:We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
There are few things more amusing in the world of politics than watching moderate Republicans charging to the right in pursuit of… — Mario Cuomo Copy Share Image
Employee : Sir, you called me? Boss : Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate. Employee : (After few mins) ,done sir… — Thewomenizar Copy Share Image
It is easy to forget that the most important aspect of comedy, after all, its great saving grace, is its ambiguity. You… — Stephen Fry Copy Share Image
Dear parents, I had my whole weekend planned out before you said thatlittle two letter word. Sincerely, now I have NO friends. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I know it sounds funny coming from me, 'cause I produced it, but that's one of my favorite bodies of work. That's… — Zaytoven Copy Share Image
A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“I thought you said you wre bringing a dead body in for examination. Didn't you think to check he actually was dead… — Trevor Baxendale Copy Share Image
“If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when… — Jodi Picoult Copy Share Image
I like to make jokes; I consider myself a funny person. I just think making jokes about people who are in a… — Maria Shriver Copy Share Image
I will say it is funny that writing a song about not wanting to entertain people is what got me a career… — Lucy Dacus Copy Share Image
I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short,… — Jack Whitehall Copy Share Image
A man once asked to shake hands with me, the "greatest Englishman who ever lived." I replied, "F**k off, I'm Irish." — Spike Milligan Copy Share Image
Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny. — Alan King Copy Share Image
It's funny, when I'm not on the road or doing stuff with Bad Company - or whatever- I've always written songs galore...… — Mick Ralphs Copy Share Image
“Killing demons is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” Annr,… — Taylor Grace Copy Share Image
I'm in love with my bed. we're perfect for each other, but my alarm clock doesn't want us together. that jealous whore . — Yashar Ibra Copy Share Image
“Because when I first saw you I thought─no, I knew─you were special. Because I still think that every time I look at… — Elizabeth Scott Copy Share Image
