The history of the relationship between comedy and swimming is short indeed. Of course it is always funny when someone falls into… — Arthur Smith Copy Share Image
“Not one word about proposals, no matter how much she pushes,” I told my friends. “No matter what she says or how… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
Dear Face Wash Commercials, nobody actually splashes their face with water like that. Sincerely, my whole damn bathroom floor is wet. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Clearly, this was another thing I needed to add to the: ‘repetitive cycle of things that were constantly happening in my life’… — Adele Rose Copy Share Image
Alan Rickman told me to do a play, so I did. Because when Alan Rickman tells you do something, you go and… — Matthew Lewis Copy Share Image
To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I was never funny. I'd be funny once a year at Christmas. I'd do impressions of how people talked and danced, but… — Carlos Mencia Copy Share Image
My fiance and I had a fight over household expenses. He's never had a job in his life, but this didn't stop… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That AWKWARD MOMENT when your trying your best to make up some stories then afterwards you get caught by slipping your words… — ALYSSA Copy Share Image
“Sikujui. Lakini naamini hungependa kuishi maisha yako hapa duniani bila kuacha urithi au kumbukumbu ya aina yoyote katika jamii.” — Enock Maregesi Copy Share Image
I learned a great lesson early on, even before I was really an actor, from that movie 'Planes, Trains & Automobiles' that… — Joel Edgerton Copy Share Image
I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
Confidence, self respect, humility, my dick, patience, honesty and loyalty are few of the qualities I want in a woman. — Amit Verma Copy Share Image
“When you argue with someone, you always argue at the level of the person with the lowest level of intelligence. You never… — Spuds Crawford Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
To all of you, I repeat: Do not let yourselves be robbed of hope! Do not let yourselves be robbed of hope!… — Pope Francis Copy Share Image
“I firmly believe that if you can't fool all of the people all of the time you should start breeding them for… — Dave Sim Copy Share Image
“I won’t share you, Dylan. I mean that. If you think for one second now that we’re married, you can try and… — Ella Dominguez Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were ice fishing in my freezer. I caught a few cold beers, and you wondered… — Dora J. Arod Copy Share Image
“In my mind, she was Lebkuchen Spice—ironic, Germanic, sexy, and off beat. And, mein Gott, the girl could bake a damn fine… — David Levithan Copy Share Image
My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk,… — Bo Burnham Copy Share Image
An age at which many men are not quite common - at which they are hopeful of achievement, resolute in avoidance, thinking… — George Eliot Copy Share Image
“God will break California from the surface of the continent like someone breaking off a piece of chocolate. It will become its… — Laura Ruby Copy Share Image
Standing up for what you believe is right, as well as standing up for what you believe is funny, standing up for… — El-P Copy Share Image
No matter how drunk you actually get.. there's always that small part inside of you that knows EXACTLY what you're doing. — Christine Ramkran Copy Share Image
In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called Karoshi. I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department.… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
“Have you forgotten," she said in a furious whisper, "that he nearly killed us? That he threw my quiver in the stream,… — Michelle Paver Copy Share Image
When I speak of diversity, I don't mean replacement of white comics. I don't mean acceptance by white comics. We comics who… — Amanda Seales Copy Share Image
I have not worked at all... Nothing seems worth putting down - I seem to have nothing to say - it appalls… — Georgia O'Keeffe Copy Share Image
St. Francis of Assisi was hoeing his garden when someone asked what he would do if he were suddenly to learn that… — Francis of Assisi Copy Share Image
“Some people are each holding on to a lover of theirs who no longer loves them and/or who they no longer love,… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
All beauty is a making one of opposites, and the making one of opposites is what we are going after in ourselves. — Eli Siegel Copy Share Image
A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last… — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Many if not most slaves would have each readily jumped, and many if not most slaves would each readily jump, at the… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Did u hear McDonald killed Burger King in front of Popeye's over that bitch Wendy? The funeral is at K.F.C. You going?… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
I can't even really tell a joke. I find being funny very hard work. I am always asked about it and I… — Madeline Kahn Copy Share Image
“I told you that the moment we started letting females into our group, they'd be nothing but trouble.' 'As far as I… — Sarah J. Maas Copy Share Image
