I think attractive cops should make it clear they are not strippers sent by your buddies before they tase me. — Danny Zuker Copy Share Image
My boyfriend Told Me If I Bought Him One More Stupid Gift he Would Burn It So I Bought him A Candle… — Curly_girl Copy Share Image
FORGIVING AND ALL THAT CUTE SAPPY I LOVE YOU AND I WON'T EVER HURT YOU LIKE EVER ONLY HAPPENS IN MOVieS FUCK — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Jon Stewart hires people that he thinks are funny. That's it. That's the only requirement. — Olivia Munn Copy Share Image
If you don't follow the stock market, you are missing some amazing drama. — Mark Cuban Copy Share Image
With your faults, dont hurry. Dont correct them thoughtlessly. What would you put in their place? — Henri Michaux Copy Share Image
People who have picture-perfect upbringings and lives tend not to be funny. I don't think they write from a position of pain. — Alex Borstein Copy Share Image
“He’s a pretty serious believer.’ ‘Yeah? Funny how it doesn’t get in the way of his commercial life.’ ‘Yeah, well. Organised religion,… — Richard K. Morgan Copy Share Image
It is only his wife who stands by her husband like a rock and cheers him up through ups and downs and… — Mak_786 Copy Share Image
I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“When selecting a one-night stand, a heterosexual woman who is materialistic is a trillion times more likely to choose a sexually unattractive… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Cobain the writer is funny and self-aware and snotty with a knack for off-the-cuff profundity. Remarking to a friend that his band… — Karan Mahajan Copy Share Image
I like that 'Scrubs' is very funny and silly and broad, but also emotional and real - sometimes within the same scene. — Brett Goldstein Copy Share Image
I've wiped the file? … I've wiped all the files? … I've wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem! — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
I see no women out here, and you're chanting about a male organ, now tell me who's the fruit booty? — John Layfield Copy Share Image
“It’s funny how what you’re used to seems like it’s right even if it’s bad.” — Lisa Wingate Copy Share Image
BRB- I dont want to talk to you. LOL- I have nothing else to say. COOL- I dont care — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald". — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Wouldnt it be nice if the world was flat? That way we could just push off the people we dont like. — Jeremy G Copy Share Image
Not to brag but I'm so good that I can make women scream before sex. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
HUSBAND, TRADITIONAL, A man who expects his wife to help him with the dishes — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The sea is the same as it has been since before men ever went on it in boats. — Ernest Hemingway Copy Share Image
I had my first bowl of gazpacho when I was fifteen in Spain, and the impression it made was a lasting one. — Gwyneth Paltrow Copy Share Image
I hope I get to go home tomorrow.. I hate being here at my moms house.. - — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
We all have wings, but it is up to each one of us to have the courage to fly — Miranda Kerr Copy Share Image
I don't think I'll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn't big enough. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, SUCCESSFUL, is achieved when silence between two people is comfortable; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Am I the only one who spends their weekends on the computer,eating, and watching movies all by themselves? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Someone told me: If you don't eat, you don't shit. If you don't shit, you die. ( True ) — Sharlene05 Copy Share Image
Buy real records in real shops, or I'll come round your house and scream at your mother. — Ian Gillan Copy Share Image
