Eddie Izzard

Never put a sock in a toaster.

— Eddie Izzard

“Have you got a flag?”

— Eddie Izzard

Most transvestites fancy girls.

— Eddie Izzard

Cake and tea or death?

— Eddie Izzard

“I am an evil Giraffe.”

— Eddie Izzard

“Cake or death?”

— Eddie Izzard

I'm a one-man idiot.

— Eddie Izzard

I'm covered in bees!

— Eddie Izzard

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

— Eddie Izzard

I don't believe that competitions are important.

— Eddie Izzard

It's my manifest destiny to wear a skirt in all countries.

— Eddie Izzard

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

— Eddie Izzard

“This is not a game of Who The Fuck Are You.”

— Eddie Izzard

I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.

— Eddie Izzard

But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana.

— Eddie Izzard

“I want to live till I die. No more, no less.”

— Eddie Izzard

“Don’t get somewhere as fast as possible. Get somewhere as good as possible”

— Eddie Izzard

“What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!”

— Eddie Izzard

If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!

— Eddie Izzard

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!

— Eddie Izzard

That's no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing, is…

— Eddie Izzard

Comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.

— Eddie Izzard

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was…

— Eddie Izzard

America is the new Roman Empire. Remember what happened to Rome.

— Eddie Izzard

People still talk about a British sense of humour, or French slapstick or how the Germans have no sense of humour -…

— Eddie Izzard

There's a thing about trying too hard, which I think is in all forms, which is if you really try to do…

— Eddie Izzard

In the UK a lot of people don't like to try. There's a different cultural thing. Here [in USA] if you try…

— Eddie Izzard

Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh ... well, until…

— Eddie Izzard

“Despair is the fuel of terrorism, and hope is the fuel of civilization, so we have to put more hope into the…

— Eddie Izzard

“You know, I don't believe that religions are religions. No, I believe they are philosophies with some good ideas and some fuckin'…

— Eddie Izzard

I love the fact that trying is respected. The American Dream: if you try, if you build it, they will come. I…

— Eddie Izzard

I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between…

— Eddie Izzard

So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of…

— Eddie Izzard

We have archeology on television, and I quite like it; its a sort of detective thing, but its really true, you know…

— Eddie Izzard

We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India…

— Eddie Izzard

But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog…

— Eddie Izzard

“Mr. Charles Darwin, who looked a bit like God which is interesting, wrote a book called You're a Fucking Monkey, Mate. He…

— Eddie Izzard

I think on the seventh day, God was running around, going, Oh, my God! What havent I¦? Rwanda! I better create Rwanda!…

— Eddie Izzard

Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning!…

— Eddie Izzard

“And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh…

— Eddie Izzard