They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning!… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support. — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area,… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
There's a thing about trying too hard, which I think is in all forms, which is if you really try to do… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
If you get too well-known, you can never be a comedian's comedian, it just won't sit well. But I'm fine with that.… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is,… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
But puberty was... well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite 'cause I thought they might kill… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back. — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh ... well, until… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up! — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
That's no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing, is… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
If you get too well-known in comedy, I do believe it blocks people from taking you in drama. — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
“You know, I don't believe that religions are religions. No, I believe they are philosophies with some good ideas and some fuckin' weird ones.” — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid. — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
I don't believe in God. I believe gods and devils are within us. It's our own battle. Our life's battle is to appeal to… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
“If you are an LGBT+ person and you come out, you have to go through your knight’s quest to create ground for yourself, to… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever. — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight...one, from...here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
You have the American dream! The dream is to be born in a gutter and grow up, and then get all the money in… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't! — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
