If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid. — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning!… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way. — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD! — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh ... well, until… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
I've wiped the file? .... I've wiped all the files? .... I've wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem! — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete! — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling. — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 gibberish. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You" — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
"I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun). — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
“You know, I don't believe that religions are religions. No, I believe they are philosophies with some good ideas and some fuckin' weird ones.” — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid. — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
I don't believe in God. I believe gods and devils are within us. It's our own battle. Our life's battle is to appeal to… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
“If you are an LGBT+ person and you come out, you have to go through your knight’s quest to create ground for yourself, to… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever. — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight...one, from...here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
You have the American dream! The dream is to be born in a gutter and grow up, and then get all the money in… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't! — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
