I think I have a good sense of humor, but I don't consider myself funny. — Da'Vine Joy Randolph Copy Share Image
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Anything you don't understand is dangerous until you do understand it. — Larry Niven Copy Share Image
You don’t need to be a completely complete human right now … That’s what makes you human. — Tavi Gevinson Copy Share Image
A man who is an enemy of the bride doesn't speak well of the wedding. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
Follow your dreams ...except that one where you're naked in Neighbor's room! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
It (the Bible) has never bowed its head before the discoveries of science. — Billy Graham Copy Share Image
I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it… — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Somebody said that carrier pilots were the best in the world, and they must be or there wouldn't be any of them… — Ernie Pyle Copy Share Image
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You know, in high school I thought Catholicism was funny and sort of ridiculous, but then I also liked it, too. Like,… — Julia Sweeney Copy Share Image
“Aren't men funny? When they want to pay you the greatest compliment in their power, they naively tell you that you have… — Jean Webster Copy Share Image
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Woman say:I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. Woman means:I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend now. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse'. — Francois Morency Copy Share Image
“For the hackneyed art of lying without injury to anyone, Rushbrook, to his shame, was proficient.” — Elizabeth Inchbald Copy Share Image
More content will be created today than existed in entirety before 2003. — Steve Rubel Copy Share Image
Love is like a war; easy to start but hard to end and you never know where it might take you. — Oscar Wilde Copy Share Image
NOW is saying that in order to be a woman, you've got to be a lesbian. — Pat Roberts Copy Share Image
It's not that it's so good with money, but that it's so bad without it. — George Sanders Copy Share Image
I don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs, I only have one small problem, I lie. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If it is not the fashion now, it will be later because I wear it. — Ernst Hanfstaengl Copy Share Image
In the '80s, to get a contemporary Scot who was smart, sexy and funny was very unusual. — Denis Lawson Copy Share Image
To do something funny, you have to have experienced it in real life and digested it in a way that amuses you. — Ted Danson Copy Share Image
Some people bring happiness wherever they go; you bring happiness whenever you go. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Mentally I am ready for Christmas. Financially I am not ready for Christmas. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Yeah forgiving someone is easy but being able to trust them again is a totally different story. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere. — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
