Pretending to never get the text, from An annoying person who won't leave you alone -.- — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Either you will be under the blood or you will place the blood under you. — Adrian Rogers Copy Share Image
“He'd make her work so hard that a job as a cardboard-box presser at the margerine factory would seem like paradise.” — Jussi Adler-Olsen Copy Share Image
Maybe the reason why so many girls are not looking for a boyfriend anymore, but rather a girlfriend is because all the… — Rachel Copy Share Image
Jack Sparrow: No! Not good! Stop! Not good! What are you doing? You've burned all the food, the shade, the RUM! Elizabeth… — Pirates Of The Carribein Copy Share Image
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What's… — Arlo Guthrie Copy Share Image
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I think your tendency when you play yourself is to accentuate something about you that you think is the funny thing about… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey. Wait, I think beautiful is too strong… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
It’s not when you press the shutter, but why you press the shutter. — Mary Ellen Mark Copy Share Image
At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo. It's clearly marked 80...uh, 69. — Eugene Ormandy Copy Share Image
We don't wear sequins because we think we're great. We wear them because we think sequins are great. — Gram Parsons Copy Share Image
Steve Buscemi, in between takes, becomes like a clam. It's hard to get a word out of him. It's very funny. — Peter Stormare Copy Share Image
The question is not "To be or not to be," it is what we should be until we are not. — Soren Kierkegaard Copy Share Image
I don't need to be NUMBER 1 in something. As long as I am not as TRYING HARD as YOU ARE. shame… — ALYSSA Copy Share Image
When an Italian tells me it's pasta on the plate, I check under the sauce to make sure. — Alex Ferguson Copy Share Image
I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his… — Marc Maron Copy Share Image
I'm always in situations where you can't be funny, and yet I want to do it anyway. — Tim Heidecker Copy Share Image
When you do more than you're paid for eventually you'll be paid for more than you do. — Zig Ziglar Copy Share Image
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine? — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Don't depend on something that comes from outside. Outside things are never going to make you happy. — Swami Satchidananda Copy Share Image
I went to work and did a lot of homework about what was wrong with me — Margot Kidder Copy Share Image
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil :) — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You're better off being The Beatles than The Monkees, as a startup... — Ben Horowitz Copy Share Image
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We must alter theory to adapt it to nature, but not nature to adapt it to theory. — Claude Bernard Copy Share Image
Get on in life because life will get on without you if you don't keep up. — Zayn Malik Copy Share Image
