Funny Quotes by Dane Cook

I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

— Dane Cook

When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true.

— Dane Cook

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

— Dane Cook

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

— Dane Cook

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

— Dane Cook

I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

— Dane Cook

Let's just turn off the lights and play a game called whos In My Mouth?

— Dane Cook

I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for…

— Dane Cook

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake…

— Dane Cook

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is…

— Dane Cook

When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it…

— Dane Cook

Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.

— Dane Cook