Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat.… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I've lived (in LA) for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't anymore. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Because of what I experienced when I was a kid, I want kids to have that kind of an epiphany moment, that… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat ....… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
If you think your demeanor is mellow or not particularly charismatic, the material can life you higher. So write everyday, and get onstage or… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
