Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
There were times, earlier in my career, where I didn't have the wherewithal to self-edit, and I probably said things and pushed… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Because of what I experienced when I was a kid, I want kids to have that kind of an epiphany moment, that… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?' — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice,… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say,… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you're headed for a breakthrough moment, it's kind of scary because you say, 'If… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I just mixed a 5 hour energy drink with some sleepy time tea. Let's see who wins this battle. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
If you think your demeanor is mellow or not particularly charismatic, the material can life you higher. So write everyday, and get onstage or… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
