“He couldn't believe it was only Wednesday. And it was made worse when he realized it was actually Tuesday.” — T.J. Klune Copy Share Image
“My many years of living have not made the actions of teenage boys any less enigmatic.” — Avery Williams Copy Share Image
“You backbiting, poisonous, treacherous, deceitful, wicked, clever girl. If this works I'll buy you a pony.” — Jim Butcher Copy Share Image
“Hello, Mrs. Tran...I have David's homework. And if you ever want to see it again, you'll pay me the two million dollars… — Nenia Campbell Copy Share Image
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“That demon will trick you faster than a politician with a liquor license.” — Erik Bundy Copy Share Image
“You can't be loony and rich. You've got to be eccentric if you're rich.” — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
If Dante was writing The Divine Comedy in 2013, he might very well have set part of it in the suburbs. — Joshua Mohr Copy Share Image
“Traditional Botswana men like ladies who are more traditionally shaped. You and I, Mma. We remind men of how things used to… — Alexander McCall Smith Copy Share Image
“The phrase, ‘dollars to donuts’ came suddenly to mind. Because of the last several decades of hyperinflation, the phrase has been replaced… — Daniel Thorman Copy Share Image
“Barbara Stanwyck, in particular, was peerless in everything from high and low comedy to drama to musicals to film noir. She never… — Eve Golden Copy Share Image
“It’s Professor Emerson, and I went to Harvard. Where did you go, an anti–oral sex college?” “Darling.” Julia placed a restraining hand… — Sylvain Reynard Copy Share Image
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Comedy mocks the vanity of visions of rational control. The person who can joke amidst a confrontation with evil, like the quick-witted… — Peter Leithart Copy Share Image
“All those adorable towheaded kids in the promotional film are going to turn thirteen. Once a family member hits puberty, odds are… — Sarah Vowell Copy Share Image
A formula for comedy is comedy equals tragedy plus time. A difficult or uncomfortable situation takes place, and then you laugh about… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
“If you are able to introduce a white person to a new cheese, it's like introducing them to a future spouse.” — Christian Lander Copy Share Image
“There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I have found over the years that the most important way of getting people to relax is self-deprecating humor. — Robert Reich Copy Share Image
A sense of humor always withers in the presence of the messianic delusion, like justice and the truth in front of patriotic… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
On radio there's an obligation to be funny or interesting, and ideally both. — Frank Skinner Copy Share Image
My whole family was very funny, each in their own way, and you had to be quick to get a word in. — Maureen Lipman Copy Share Image
That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
It's funny wen a man says dat his wife is 'expecting a baby'. As if she would deliver a turtle...lol — Ritzy Copy Share Image
From the way Denny's shaking his head, he's either got an injured shoulder or a gnat in his eye. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria. — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things. — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
“I'm Mr.Ripped. I live in the gym. My teeth have biceps and my biceps have teeth. I chew up weights and shit… — Ilona Andrews Copy Share Image
“Biscuits are rough, potatoes are tough. I pray to God we all get enough.” — Karen Cecil Smith Copy Share Image
“i am like a dead begonia hanging upside down because like a dead begonia I don't give a fuck” — David Levithan Copy Share Image
Someone talented, comfortable in his own skin and with a great sense of humor would be sexy according to me. — Shibani Dandekar Copy Share Image
If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me! — Marilyn Ferguson Copy Share Image
Luckily, I'm not a gambler or a drinker or - you know, I get my fix of comedy. — Tig Notaro Copy Share Image
Just because someone isn't the definition of Beautiful It doesn't give u the right to call them Ugly — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Laughter broke from them. It spread into a roar of acclamation; for bluff is a weapon dear to every adventurer.” — Rafael Sabatini Copy Share Image
“I'm disgusted when I see some old guy with a younger woman. Or a younger guy with a younger woman. Just couples.… — Joss Whedon Copy Share Image
“You know what we call you? Bitch Spice, Burtch Spice, Slut Spice and Stupid Spice.' Thomas Mackee says this” — Melina Marchetta Copy Share Image
“I would give a million bucks to have seen my mother say "cute shoes" to naked Ashley Judd.” — Brian Fies Copy Share Image
“It's not the heat," came his return mutter. "It's a critical buildup of sperm".” — Linda Howard Copy Share Image
“Is there something wrong with you? Mentally?" Darlin', you met my family. You've gotta be more specific than that. (Jess to Smitty)” — Shelly Laurenston Copy Share Image
