Humor Quotes · Page 537

Calories: the tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes that tiny bit tighter every night.

— Anonymous

“Nevertheless, he had, on a certain star-lit evening, said wonderingly and quite reverently: "Deh moon looks like hell, don't it?”

— Stephen Crane

Its funny when you both look at each other and then suddenly, you dont know why both of you are smiling

— Teejay David

“Grace gave her a gentle smile. "You know what the answer is, don't you? Chocolate. It's always the answer, no matter the…

— Suzanne Wright

“Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows”

— Josh Stern

“Myrna was not astigmatic; the lenses were clear glass; she wore the glasses to prove her dedication and intensity of purpose.”

— John Kennedy Toole

“You know you can be as sweet as you want, or as tough as you want, or both at the same time.”

— Art Hochberg

I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat. When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much…

— Aziz Ansari

“He turned to Matt and gave a huge smile, one hand on her withers. James reached out and pulled Matt to him,…

— Anne Tenino

“I didn't set out to do a gay comic, but given the current political and religious climate in this country, I feel…

— Paige Braddock

“¿Cuál es el mejor estado del mundo?: Estar dos unidos. Translation. This phrase means: "What is the best state of the world?:…

— Miguel Ángel Sáez Gutiérrez

Doing [a relationship comedy] with Sam [L. Jackson] was exciting. I've done a lot of comedies with a lot of comedy people.…

— Samuel L. Jackson

Teenagers falling off skateboards - funny. Nut shots - funny. Breaking wind - funny. The world cannot change those. Those three things…

— John Oliver

“Whether we are trying to buy a packet of chips or getting to know a person for a potentially important relationship, its…

— Amrita Sarkar

“He's around the twist,' said Azalea. 'Breaking all the windows? He's mad.' 'Ah, no,' said the King. 'It's only madness if you…

— Heather Dixon

I always wanted to write, even before I realized that there was a comedy writers' world, or what that life was like.…

— Mindy Kaling

“Given the choice between fulfilling love and a washing machine, young people in the U.S. and the Soviet Union both chose the…

— Kristin Ross

“Polly had arrived in the world outraged to discover that her sisters had gotten there before her.”

— Liane Moriarty

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

— Phyllis Diller

“BUSY old fool, unruly Sun, Why dost thou thus, Through windows, and through curtains, call on us?”

— John Donne

“I had a dream about you last night... Unfortunately, it wasn't a dream.”

— Amy Summers

We trust, sir, that God is on our side. It is more important to know that we are on God's side.

— Abraham Lincoln

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

— Steven Wright

There's an art to stupid comedy. There's an art to offensive comedy, and I think the key is it's just gotta make…

— Hayden Schlossberg

“Then her mother – as skilled in the art of ambush as most mothers are – startled her with her furious, echoing roar.”

— John Flanagan

I think as creatures we're incredibly sociable, and I do think comedy brings us all together.

— Rosie Jones

And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike.

— Wanda Sykes

“Shield me, kind heaven, what an inundation of impertinence is here coming upon us!”

— John Vanbrugh

Saying something funny and then someone says it louder and gets all the credit.

— Anonymous

“From space this Earth is incandescent with abominations - the gods write their signature in our entrails”

— Steve Aylett

If you like dry humor, Henrik Stenson thinks he's very funny, but I think I'm very funny in a dry sense as…

— Tommy Fleetwood

If the humour makes you laugh,you call it a humour, otherwise its a humour

— Anie

Forgetting how to smile is like forgetting how to think because you have to think something is funny..

— Ritu Ghatourey

“Hey, mister, I don’t think so. You go outside and yell at sky, you so angry.”

— Rainbow Rowell

“Get that Property Of Whitford Public Library stamp and stamp it right on his forehead. Then cross out the library's name and…

— Shannon Stacey

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

— Bill Bailey

“It’s a one of a kind, camel-toe couch. For when yoga pants aren’t enough.”

— H.M. Ward

There's been shock waves sent throughout all parts of the nation's economic fabric.

— George W. Bush

“Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.”

— Bauvard

“I look over at him. He stares straight ahead. "So," I say. "Golem, huh?" "I prefer the term 'Mineral-American.”

— D.D. Barant