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Portrait of Aziz Ansari

Aziz Ansari

(1983) Actor United States

155 quotes in 783 categories

Birthday cake is used as a metaphor for expectations that never match reality, like a favorite cereal that isn’t actually breakfast. The quotes discuss the awkwardness of dating, the fear of yesterday’s events, and the trial‑and‑error process of writing jokes that finally land.

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Aziz Ansari is an actor from the United States, best known for Modern Romance.

Quick Facts About Aziz Ansari

Born: February 23, 1983
Nationality: United States
Profession: Actor
Notable works: Modern Romance

About Aziz Ansari

Aziz Ismail Ansari is an American actor, comedian, and filmmaker. He played Tom Haverford on the NBC series Parks and Recreation (2009–2015) and created and starred in the Netflix series Master of None (2015–2021), for which he won several acting and writing awards, including two Emmys and a Golden Globe, which was the first award received by an Asian American actor for acting on television.

Awards & Honors

Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series

Quotes by Aziz Ansari

I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat.

Food

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Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.

Comedy

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Come on, man, I got a full beard!

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A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.

Age

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Aren't you scared your kid's getting kidnapped...RIGHT NOW?

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You don't know Jay-Z's scedule. He's a renaissance man.

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I prefer being totally sober myself.

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Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.

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Once you become a comedian, you accept that people are just going to yell stuff at you.

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I've always tried to maintain that I don't have any advice to give. I'm a curious observer.

Advice

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I just think it's sad that the main places in our culture that we designate to meet new people are bars and…

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It's the hardest thing to come up with an hour of material that can consistently keep people laughing.

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I was surprised to learn that research showed arranged couples tended to be happier in the long run.

Couple

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Being a rapper is about being cool, but being a comedian, you're not supposed to be the coolest guy.

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I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms.

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I have no interest in art. Let me clarify — I have no interest in non-nude images.

Art

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I'm so jealous of people who have crushes on people they go to school with or work with. That's such a blessing.…

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What if I couldn't read? I wouldn't be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red…

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You want what you can't have. And if someone's being shitty to you, just move on. If someone's being shitty to you,…

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Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can't Buy Me Love,…

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I spend so much time on the Internet...I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never…

Actuality

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Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes…

Better world

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You go to any Jay-Z concert, and he plays his hits. Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new…

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This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown…

Giving

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“Never mind the fact that what she described was the content of LITERALLY EVERY VOICE MAIL IN HISTORY. Name, hello, please call…

Communication

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“I am a sexually confident woman who made a video for someone she cared about. If someone I knew saw the images…

Body-positivity

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The problem is there's a new group. I'm talking about this tiny slice of people that have gotten way too fired up…

People

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So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is…

Book

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I went to a place recently I think is one of the most f**ked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced…

Apes

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“Rather than compare actual jobs, with their various pros and cons, in their minds they wound up selecting the features of each…

Career

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Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that…

Audience

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After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that…

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Zerts' are what I call desserts. 'Trée-trées' are entrées. I call sandwiches 'sammies,' 'sandoozles,' or 'Adam Sandlers.' Air conditioners are 'cool blasterz'…

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“In the 1950s the pioneering scholar Herbert Simon paved the way for people like Schwartz by showing that most of the time…

Good enough

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When I walk around, sometimes people recognize me from things they've seen me in, TV or whatever. And they'd say, you know,…

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“What Schwartz suggests, however, is that cultural, economic, and technological changes since the time that Simon wrote have changed the choice-making context.…

Choice

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“Now I had to find the right person. When I was out, I tried to keep an eye out for someone who…

Friendship

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I weirdly do consider myself an optimist about love.

Love

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Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn't notice.

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No one's trying to get with jugglers.

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Aziz Ansari by topic

Comedy (29) People (27) Time (18) Thinking (15) Food (15)