Humor Quotes · Page 535

“I'm so sorry," said Kevin. "So selfish. I'm actually totally selfish, but I've been trying to cut back.”

— Z.A. Maxfield

Stand-up comedy is mine: it's my entity; it's my brand; I own it. I do it when I want to do it.

— Kevin Hart

I think humor is warmer, and wit is colder. Wit is judgment, whereas humor invites some sort of response.

— Fran Lebowitz

“I had a dream that my boyfriend went back to his ex…I woke up and giggled because you don’t pick up a…

— Starley Ard

Religion is indeed the opiate of the masses. Except for Islam, its more like Crystal Meth.

— Rock Cowles

As for the demented, I hold it certain that all beings deprived of reason are thus afflicted only by the Devil.

— Martin Luther

If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public.

— Jarod Kintz

“he plunged out into the winter night bursting with the belated eloquence of the inarticulate”

— Edith Wharton

“You a fan of the show?” AJ asked. “Oh, yeah, I adored it—well, until the whole sixth season and Billith.” AJ snickered.…

— Katie Ashley

“I can still remember what I was like when I was sixteen. It was hell to be that excited. Then as now,…

— Kurt Vonnegut

My humor is channeling everything through my brain. For example, when I talk about something, it's how Richard Lewis feels about it.…

— Richard Lewis

“What the Lady was happening? The man had his mouth smashing on Tarin's, and his tongue was shoving at Tarin's tongue. Tarin…

— Syd McGinley

What I love about comedy is that it's unquestionably working. There are varying degrees of that, where there's something that makes you…

— Abbi Jacobson

The older I've gotten, the more the need to exert comedy no matter how tragic a character I may be portraying because…

— Ed Asner

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon…

— Mitch Hedberg

There is some humour in 'Family Values.' I don't want everyone to think it's not going to make them laugh. But there…

— Wendy Cope

“If you count sheep before you go to sleep, are you barrrrr'd from dreams?”

— Benny Bellamacina

It's always been said that comedy comes mostly out of the dark side anyway.

— Alan Thicke

I would recommend that anyone who wants to do comedy on TV to do radio first.

— David Walliams

I think fans are going to get everything you'd expect from 'The Office', from awkwardness, to a lot of humor and heart.

— Craig Robinson

“I notice that I don’t experience much self-doubt when I’m talking about the weather.”

— Jason W. Freeman

I value each woman for what she has to offer whether it be charm-beauty-wit-intelligence or humor but warmth is the quality I…

— Marlon Brando

A witty illustration or an apt story will accomplish more than columns of argument.

— Chauncey Depew

“You’d be surprised what an eleven-year-old can get away with.” —Tuppence”

— Richard Due

I don't think my career would be as good if I were a serious actress. Comedy is less age-conscious.

— Jennifer Coolidge

“The good thing is Jason and I both outrank you so we can both tell you to shut up.”

— Rick Riordan

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

— Henny Youngman

People are like, 'How did you get so funny?' And I'm like, 'Wait, am I funny?'

— Sarah Cooper

“THIS IS A COMPLIMENT? You're incrediburgable she said which is to say You're a little like incredible but a lot more like…

— Chocolate Waters

“Eve, did you marry me for my money?" "You bet your ass. And you'd better hold on to it, or I'm history"…

— J.D. Robb

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away from him, and…

— Anonymous

I think comedy tells a lot; you can tell what people think by what they laugh at.

— Riaad Moosa

“You've already got everything you need to succeed right in-front of your tits”

— Runa Magnus

“Humidity did terrible things to me. I‘d be much prettier if I lived in the desert.”

— Kim Harrington

“I'd be very happy if someone remembered that there are no capitals in my name. (Sigh) cj petterson”

— Cj Petterson

“That was like watching my dad French-kiss a raccoon-I feel violated on so many levels.”

— Sarah Cross

“Berbicara soal pelet, dulu selalu berhubungan dengan bogem mentah, tetapi kini pelet hanya sebatas pakan ikan.”

— Ali Zaenal

I don't watch that much comedy. I think it's professional jealousy. That and a lack of support for my community.

— Michael Ian Black

I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.

— Natasha Leggero

I don't understand half of what you say and the other half doesn't make sense.

— Rock Cowles