Humor Quotes · Page 533

Judgement comes from experience, and great judgement comes from bad experience.

— Bob Packwood

“It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.”

— steven wright

“Look at the first arch in a human and a shark, and you find a very similar state of affairs: jaws.”

— Neil Shubin

“I found a dead body in the cucumber patch,' I told them. 'How very like you,' Ophelia said, and went on preening…

— Alan Bradley

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

— Groucho Marx

“The major difference between a relationship and a novel draft is that you hae control over your novel's outcome.”

— Jordan E. Rosenfeld

“But I am thinking like a lover, or like an ass: which I suppose is pretty nearly the same.”

— Charles Dickens

“The northern star changes its position every ten thousand years, but friendships can last for all eternity. — RJPeters”

— R.J. Peters

“I have to admit," I said when he finished a lengthy discussion on the types of drivers, "I've been golfing and it's…

— Cindi Madsen

I kind of consider myself... I mean, I try to have my comedy be accessible, and if people are paying $30 to…

— Jim Gaffigan

Comedy appeals to the collective mind of the audience and this grows fatigued; while farce appeals to a more robust organ, their…

— W. Somerset Maugham

“Many years ago I was so innocent I still considered it possible that we could become the humane and reasonable America so…

— Kurt Vonnegut

“My father helped you with that. . that thing you do?” “Yes. Your father helped me with that peacemaking thing I do…

— G.A. Aiken

“Frank tried to look like he was wrestling with his conscience, although he couldn't have found his conscience without a shovel and…

— John Connolly

This satire business, that was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. I was certified funny. From then on,…

— Ray Guy

Parents sometimes object to the amount of humor introduced into stories that are designed to teach moral or spiritual lessons. They seem…

— Mike Berenstain

It is the saying of an ancient sage that humor was the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor.

— Anonymous

“You freaking bit me," I said, my voice hoarse. "You're lucky I don't call animal control.”

— Jayde Scott

The winds are nothing else but good or bad spirits. Hark! how the Devil is puffing and blowing.

— Martin Luther

I have not seen anyone die of laughter, but I know millions are dying because they are not laughing.

— James Merrow

Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.

— Full Metal Jacket

This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.

— Horace Walpole

“It's kind of shocking to hear Toby called a babe; sort of like calling God a studmuffin.”

— Margaret Atwood

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

— Mark Twain

“A brick and a blanket are the perfect symbols for the superhero Captain Dense.”

— Nicole McKay

It's always amazed me how little attention philosophers, psychologists, or anyone else actually has paid to humor.

— Edward de Bono

I never really saw myself as a comedy director, and I still don't. I see myself as a director.

— Melina Matsoukas

“Hey, do you mind not squeezing my head off. I remember how powerful those thighs are.”

— Anonymous

“I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.”

— Dorothy Parker

“can't even sleep through the night without you and those sun-dried ginger ale complected limbs crocheted into my thighs...”

— Brandi L. Bates

“Stop doing that." He motioned at her face. "Don't- Argh! Alright! There's something else. Just turn off the sprinklers.”

— Lauren Stewart

“There is absolutely no reason to be a dick, just because you have one.”

— Jonna Ivin

“Nobody evers seems to realize that a statistic is just a coincidence that has had a lot of experience.”

— S.L. Varnado

“Dragons didn’t fool around when it came to protecting things that they acquired—be it gold, gems, or a monster’s body parts.”

— Lisa Shearin

I loved musicals, love them still. But also, I'm really inspired by comedy music.

— Rachel Bloom

“Don't call a woman a bitch. Call her an ass-hole. It still gets your point across and it's not sexist.”

— Eleanor Roosevelt

“Down with tyranny!' Bramble cried. 'Aristocracy! Autocracy! Monocracy! Other ocracy things! You are outnumbered, sir! Surrender !”

— Heather Dixon

“When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.”

— Nenia Campbell

“I don't mind people talking about me behind my back. It means they know me, and I'm out in front.”

— David Lucero

“Not that I can’t handle things myself, but since I’ve got you, I may as well use you.”

— Robin Bielman